It’s like the Mucinex cartoon ate some fiberglass and took a shit in the most unreachable corner of my nostril during the middle of the night. And blowing won’t help. Go ahead and succumb to picking. It’s the only way those fuckers are coming out. 

You know who you are. You’re the person who writes “Yingluck Shinawatra” or some underground musician (that you discovered in an alley yesterday) on a scrap piece of paper and tosses it into the bowl, expecting those of us who wrote down people like Justin Bieber, The Olsen Twins, and Gary Busey to just know who that is. 

I hate you. For once, can you please write down a normal name? Play fair. Because we all know that you’re smart and that you watch/listen to really mind-blowing obscure movies/music. That’s awesome, Dude. You’re a fucking anomaly. 

You know who I hate even more than you though? The person who invited you to this party. Maybe your cousin or childhood friend. Because you’re most likely visiting from somewhere awesome like San Francisco or Venice (both California and Italy) and you make it known from the minute you arrive with your microbrew that your brain > my brain. Tell your cousin or friend from preschool that you don’t want to come back. And let’s be honest, you probably don’t. 

For the record, Yingluck Shinawatra is the prime minister of Thailand and seems like a badass. Unfortunately, she is not welcome in my game. And although you knew who she was the second you read the second sentence, neither are you. 

I like to pretend that this picture is from Angela and Jordan’s high school reunion. But we all know that Jordan Catalano would have died from an overdose around season 7.

I know, I know. There’s a little nostalgia in all of us every time iTunes shuffles to #41, #36, or any live acoustic cover featuring Tim Reynolds (at Red Rocks most likely). Dave Matthews evokes memories of bad pot, cheap liquor, and making out during some hour-long interlude at Bonnaroo. Those were some grand fucking times. But they’re over, Dude. You went through the Dave phase, which led to you pretending to like Widespread. But you graduated. You’re 35. You’re too old for this now. Let go, Bro. Let go. 

The only thing worse than a die-hard Dave fan is a die-hard Dave fan who talks about the Lillywhite Sessions like they’re the reincarnation of John fucking Lennon. 

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave. 

* mostly women

** tummy

** yummy

** tinkle

** boo-boo

** pee-pee

** tee-tee

** potty

** jammies 

** poo-poo

** yucky 

** mommy

** tushy

** fanny

** any word spoken when girls use their boyfriend voice

** any word spelled with an “R” or “L” but pronounced with a “W” 

** [insert name]y-pooh

Grow the fuck up.

Fucking gross. Fucking unreliable. And the fucking wings! What the hell is up with the fucking wings? 

Girl On Period: Uh oh. Aunt Flow has come to town [giggle giggle]. Does anyone have a pad?

BFFFFFFF: [giggle giggle] Sure Bestie! With wings or without?

Girl On Period: With. Duh! You know how much I love when the pad moves around throughout the day and the wings end up stuck to my thighs and bleached asshole. 

BFFFFFFF: OMG I know! It’s totes the best! Here you go [hands over the pad]. It’s scented. 

Girl On Period: Thanks Girlfriend [puts on pad]. Mmm. I just love the smell of canned tuna and roses [giggle crinkle giggle crinkle]. 

I miss the days when Kidz Bop forgot to filter their music and covered songs they didn’t understand. You know, appropriate playground topics like doing multiple bumps and falling asleep inside someone post coitus.

Kidz Bop. The “Z” makes it urban.

Listen, Asshole. If you’re going to steal my identity, force me to write checks in bad cursive for a week, and use my money to buy shit, at least make me look good by spending my money on awesome things. $100 at Walmart and $40 at Wendy’s makes me look like a redneck. And that offends me. Almost worse than you stealing my card. 

Dear Kate Middleton, 

Please just get this thing over with so the tabloids can go back to talking about people who matter. Around these parts, pregnant teenagers and a goblin named Snooki are princesses. 

PS: Let William know he looks more like his dad every day. And that is fucking disgusting.